a phasing out
2020-06-04 at 8:28 a.m.

Nicole is upset with me.

She's upset that I didn't come to her brother's funeral and/or visit her. I've responded to her messages with the truth -- that it was hard for me to come see her, that staying with her was the main reason I didn't come to the funeral, that I was allowing her time to grieve and heal with her immediate family without being in the way.

She says she's not sure she can move past this. This is something I'm not sure I've heard before. But she says its been instigated by Heather. No shocker there.

I can't stand Heather. I couldn't stand her long before she sent me a series of evil messages about taking Nicole for granted because I was in the Hamptons and not visiting her. Even though I was pregnant, with other people, and hadn't told anyone about any of it yet. This seems like something Heather would do and I called it right away and told Alex I knew she was the one behind all of this.

She's also annoyingly the first one to watch all my stories on Instagram. I really want to block her but I know I shouldn't do anything that drastic until I see how this unfolds.

And honestly, I've apologized and I've said all I can say and if she wants to "phase me out" as she put it, then maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing.

It feels terrible saying that but even when I was speaking to Alex about this whole thing, I was telling him that she and I are very different people and sometimes it feels as though I'm stuck trying to be someone I USED to be when I'm with her. This is through no fault of her own, mainly it's just the fault of Heather, but we're such different people now. Or at least, I'm different. I used to think that I was being a "snob" for wanting and liking the things I do now -- but I don't know about that.

Nicole has been a great friend but I feel as though at times it is hard to upkeep that friendship. I'm always fearful I've done something to upset her -- moreover, upset Heather. We don't think the same anymore -- as my political views grow, as I'm trying to better myself, I find it difficult to reconcile much of how I feel around her.

It saddens me that she feels I'm not there for her. Honestly, I've been slacking with the upkeep of my friendships and become increasingly lazy when it comes to those things and it IS my fault. When I think about it now, maybe the right thing would have been to visit her during that time. I think I just felt so uncomfortable thinking of myself in the way that I neglected to see that my uncomfortability didn't even come close to the pain she was feeling.

It's a sad situation and I think I've said all I can say for now. I have various mixed feelings about it -- one of which is just abhorred hatred for Heather. But that's the thing, we've become such minute parts of each other's lives (one could argue, because of me) that the shift wouldn't really feel real. Nicole and Heather have so much more in common that the title of "best friend" has almost become a weight for me to bear.

Do I think we need to be dramatic and break off all ties and not speak to one another? Hell no. But I also know that she is hurt and grieving and her bitch friend Heather is milking the situation to her benefit. Ugh, we'll see.

In other news, I had the most horrid dream that I was living in the dorms and attended a party held at the Gansevoort where Elon hated me and was clung to by a "pretty" little Mexican girl. It turned out they were maybe together and the whole dream I was driving in a car in the dessert talking to Kira and an asian guy with a Christmas light fishing rod about the situation and they both agreed that I need to leave it alone.

Also in the dream, I was visiting Elon's sister's family and they wanted go through a camera I had but I couldn't let them because the camera was filled with photos I'd saved of THEIR family. It's comical now, thinking of it.

I think my subconscious is reminding me from an "outside" perspective that everything I'm doing in relation to Elon is creepy.

So much to think about but right now I'm going to watch what promises to be an awful movie with Katie Holmes.

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